You may see a lot people in a romantic relationship around you. Your grandparents have been married for years, your cousin is just celebrate her one year with her boyfriend, or your friend is just started to date someone he met on Tinder. When you are surrounded with them, plus TV shows, advertisements, and any other media that have been potrayed romance here and there, you may ever wonder, “when is my turn?, “should I look for someone, too?”, “will I find love?” or even, “do I want this kind of relationship?”
If your ever think like that, well, you are not alone. Sometimes, it’s inevitable. However, the truth is not all people are ready to have a relationship. Some people are better off single, and it’s also okay. There are some signs you are not ready for a relationship.
You dont know how draw boundaries in a relationship
Either you have been in a relationship for a long time or just in a day, having a relationship is all about constantly learning about each other and do things together. You will see each other’s boundaries and see whether it works or not. In general, there are three types of boundaries:
People in rigid relationship tend to avoid emotional attachments and intimacy. They feel uncomfortable to ask for help and open up about their feelings. Most of the tie they feel like they can’t be seen as vulnerable. They detach from the relationship, so it is very prone to have misunderstandings and dry relationship as the time goes by.
People in porous relationship will found it hard to say no to their partner’s request. They become dependent of their partner’s opinions, overinvolved to their partner’s problems, and feel uneasy with rejections. They are very easy to be taken advantage of, to the point that they themselves may validate abuse.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D said that healthy boundaries include everything from speaking up when you’re being disrespected to advocating for yourself to have time for your interest. People who are in a healthy relationship understand what they feel, need, and want, as well as how to explain and set consequences if someone cross the boundaries.
Out of three relationship style above, the healthy one is the best to have. Healthy relationship makes you able to stand for yourself and seek for someone that fit you well. You won’t lose yourself in a relationship and won’t end up hurting each other even after you break up.
You trust nobody
As reported on CNN, a 2013 study in U.K. found that about 1 in 3 women secretly check up their partner’s phone. The amount of men reported doing the same is doubled. Is the finding surprised you? Yes, it is that much. A lot of people wants to know their partner’s activities, and instead of talking with them, they chose to break their privacy.
Shirley Glass, a relationship expert, said that honesty and openness are very related to intimate relationship, and they grow through trust. Trust helps couples to maintain love, affection, and tendernes in their relationship, and in the long run will help them to go through the ups and downs of a relationship.
If you don’t trust your partner, suspicion and jealousy may happen a lot. There so many posts on internet you can found about someone who are constantly watch over their spouse’s new friends, or planning to hack their spouse’s social media. When you trust each other, you don’t need to play to that extend because you already feel secure.
You are selfish
Everyone will (and need to) be selfish at some points in their life. Become selfish makes you know why and how you deal with yourself and people around you. In the other hand, being selfish is one of the way to turn into self-love, and in the end, become selfless.
However, relationship is a work of both parties. Respect, appreciation, and care can’t be done only in a day. It’s a work that have to be done and kept on going, sometimes it needs to be adapted with time. If you only think about yourself, you left the work on your partner.
Do you give enough space for other people to deal with their feelings, wants, and needs? Are you okay if someone chase over something that may be good for them but not in line with what you want? Are you okay if someone criticize you? If you are not okay with some or all of them, you may better wait until you can learn how to take a better care of other people. Being selfish will not only make your partner uncomfortable, it is tiring for them.
You don’t have time for love
In general, there are two things a couple better have in a relationship, time to talk and time to date. It may just be a fifteen minutes video call on Skype, or playing online games with your partner, anything that makes you and your partner can interact.
Relationship is very much like a teamwork. Of course, the amount of conversation and dates don’t define how good the relationship will turn out. The point is how you can understand each other, and hopefully, be happy with each other’s presence. Talks and dates are the way to get through it. Also, what is the point of having a relationship without spending time only for two, afterall?
If you still have a long list of travel plan, study plan, or any other plans that take a lot of time to be thought and done, you’d be better wait until your tight schedule is cleared up. The hint is very easy, when you feel you can’t find love or listen about someone’s day, then it may not the right time for love. You still need more time for yourself.
You feel you are not ready
If you think relationship makes you feel exhausted emotionally or think you better off break up with your partner, it is the warning sign. Even if your partner is nice, caring, and click well with you, when you are not ready, you’re not ready. Sometimes it’s not about how perfect your partner is, or how much good memories you had together, but about how you perceive love.
Remember the infamous quote “we accept the love we think we deserve” on The Perks of Being a Wallflower? Actually, we attract people that think pretty much like us, since we show our thoughts on how we act. What do you wish to have in a relationship if you attract people that are not able to do a relationship?
Chris Agnew and his colleagues did a study about commitment readiness in 2019, and found out that feeling ready will have better outcomes on the relationship. It makes better psychological commitment on relationship maintenance and stability. So if you are not ready, instead of jumped into the realtionship and see what’s happened, maybe you’d better find the cause and work on yourself first. Who can guarantee you can be happy doing it when you yourself can’t be happy thinking about it?
People around you, TV shows, and advertisements, may talk a lot about having romantic relationship. However, being single is also an option, and it is the best option if you are not ready for a relationship. Sometimes we have to deal with ourselves before looking for a partner.
Of course not all of the traits above are your fault. Sometimes they are the results of how you were nurtured and how bad experiences affected you. It can be improved, however, as the time goes by, or by having coaching and professional helps. You have all your life to explore about yourself and the world, take your time.